Life can be a bitch. I know that all of us have our own struggle, our own addiction, temptation, thing we try to ignore, love, hate, belittle, but mostly it’s just something we loathe about ourselves.

For me, it’s my weight. It has been a struggle all of my life, since I was little I have had the chubby card, I know I can chalk up a little of the blame to my father’s side of the family, because they are all relatively large, the live in different states, with different interests, and different lifestyles, but there is one defining factor, they all wear a size XL or more. So I know some of it is genetic, I am not predisposed to being a wafe, but I do not want to let this genetic thing keep me down either.

However at times it just rips me apart. For instance, I have been eating really well lately and swimming my ass off every morning. I have not lost a single pound in two weeks, not one. That is depressing, I know that most likely I have traded fat pounds for muscle pounds, because I know my body is starting to get toned in different areas, but it’s so frustrating! I feel like if I ate two mints everyday I woudl still gain weight.

I know it is something I am going to have to constantly battle, but damn, I just get tired of it. I want to be normal. I wish someone could give me a get out of jail free card, that I would automatically become a normal weight and then I would just have to work out to keep it, because I know that would happen. I have no issues with working out, in fact I’m sure that is why I am so healthy, because I do work out, a lot. I like working out, but my body sure doesn’t like to show it for me.

I’m also struggling with Chemisty, it sucks. There is way too much information to know in such a short amount of time and I get really frustrated when I do not have a deeper understanding of the subject I am working on, it’s annoying.

I realized that the boy I have a crush on does not have a crush on me and that’s disappointing. Mostly because I was able to let myself have a crush on someone other than Jason and we all know that is progress for me, but still it’s a bit disappointing. There is a song I was thinking of as I left the Dr’s office, it’s by Patty Griffin, the title is “When it Don’t Come Easy.” I found it on my ipod in the car and blasted it on the way home. Here are the lyrics.

Red lights are flashing on the highway
I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home
I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home tonight
Everywhere the waters getting rough
Your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home tonight

But if you brake down
I’ll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I’ll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don’t come easy

I don’t know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we’re gonna ever get home

You’re out there walking down a highway
And all of the signs got blown away
Sometimes you wonder if you’re walking in the wrong direction

But if you brake down
I’ll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I’ll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don’t come easy

So many things that I had before
That don’t matter to me now
Tonight I cry for the love that I’ve lost
And the love I’ve never found
When the last bird falls
And the last siren sounds
Someone will say what’s been said before
Some love we were looking for

But if you brake down
I’ll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I’ll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don’t come easy

I think it’s such a sweet song and it’s nice to know that it doesn’t always come easy for everyone. But sometimes I wish for that person who feels that way about me, because I know I have felt that way about other people, but I’m not sure there is anyone in my life who would say “When you forget my love, I’ll come out and find you.” That is sad too..maybe it’s just a sad day, I know I’ve shed some tears in the past hour. It’s hard to be strong, it’s hard to pick yourself up and move on. To keep working out though it seems that nothing helps, to keep hoping that love will come your way, when the prospects seem dismal, to keep going to Chemistry, when it sounds like the teacher is speaking in Arabic.

However, that’s all there is, to keep fighting, there is no use in giving up, cause then I would just be some lazy person sitting on my ass getting fatter and going nowhere. There is not a choice to stop, not in my eyes, I will not accept defeat, but for today, I’m tired of being sad, and I still don’t want to go to Chemistry.

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