Oh the fine line between love and hate. I realized yesterday as Jason I were hanging out for the last time before he moves to Italy how much I hate him. Don’t get me wrong I love Jason and I don’t think I could hate him without loving him so much. First, let me set the record straight I think Jason is an incredible guy who I hold dearly in my heart and have a lot of respect for. At the same time I hate him, for not loving me the way I want him to. Is it his fault? No, I don’t think so, is it fair to hate him? Probably not, but I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t know how not to be bitter about the whole thing. I have been working on moving on. I’ve done things with my life, made some radical changes, made new friends, reconnected with old ones, and even formed new crushes. Life is good, but figuring out how to move through the emotions of love and rejection are hard. The thing I’ve learned with Jason though is that I can work through the hate. I think he’s worth that, I think he’s worth all of it, the emotions that I try to stuff down, all of it. I am very proud of us for remaining friends through the whole debacle and I very much miss what we were before it all went down. We have both lost our trust in each other and some of the openness I think we have both had. I would venture to say he misses it to.

I don’t think you ever read this blog, but if you do J. I’m sorry, I’m incredibly sorry for everything. I wish things would have never changed and that they would have stayed the same, but they didn’t. I wish I would have been able to get over it in a heartbeat and I wish I was over it now. I wish that when I was with you I didn’t feel the need to put up a wall of armor to protect myself from projected loss. I’m sorry that we didn’t talk for months, I know you missed me too. I do not think I would change any moment of it, we both learned about ourselves and our level of depth to care about people, no matter how they make you feel in the moment. Overall, I am proud of us and though I wish it would have been different, I also never would change it, now that it is done.

And like you said last August, we have the type of friendship that won’t change. I hold to that statement, because I knew it was true before you ever said it and you bringing it up validated it. So thank you, thanks for bringing all the boys to the yard with your milkshake, I’m gonna miss it.

It’s been a long week and I’m exhausted. I am so happy I dropped chemistry, elated that I no longer have to deal with it. I plan to get some kick ass stuff done the next few weeks and I think I’m going to do bootcamp once swimming is over. How fun will that be? Okay, maybe not fun, but I always look for a good workout.

J, I love you, I hate you, but the love is more than the hate. I’ll see you in Italy. 🙂

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