a few months after i started nursing school i became a hypochondriac. i worried for a year and had panic attacks that my heart rate was too high and that i had high blood pressure. after having to my face my fears and literally cry as the nurse took my bp, we found it was completely normal.

i go to the gym almost all the time lately, i have to work hard to get my heart rate up to 120, these are good things folks. i got a crazy rash a few months ago, that in most people only happens if you are severely immunocompromised from diabetes, so that’s been my latesest freak out. Alas, I took my blood sugar at work last week and 2 hours after eating it was 77, that’s awesome.

my new fear is a little more private and i am not going to talk about it here, but its made my heart a little heavy the past few days. I did some good crying and letting out of the fear, because most likely, it’s nothing. And as I wept alligator tears on A because I was so afraid, i realized a few things.

1. we all have our struggles. this is one that has clearly weighed heavy on my heart for the past year or so. Nursing school will soon be over, but I will most likely forever struggle with the knowledge I have obtained and that I will continue to obtain. In the midst of that, I have to learn to trust.

2. Learning to trust isn’t the easiest thing. It’s hard to let go and that is why, I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of being sick. I’m afraid of a student wanting to care plan on me or take care of me in the hospital. It’s much too personal for me. I don’t want to let anyone in that way. Just the fact that I am willingly sharing my fears with A is a huge milestone. He has become a worthy, solid rock to lean on and for that, I am so entirely thankful.

3. It’s a fight. It’s a continual fight for me. To take real symptoms and use the knowledge I have to make good decisions about my health. I will probably go to the doctor in a few months to get a full check up, just to rest my soul a bit. The beauty of A, is that he holds my hand and says, if, if… something is wrong with you, WE will get through it.

This relationship has finally allowed me to put the words of this song fully on my heart and as I always wanted someone to it sing about, i finally have him.

‘ve been waiting all my life
I’ve been waiting for you to come
I’ve been traveling and wandering
Alone on my own for too long
I swear I tried to convince myself
It would be much easier being alone
But after running circle after circle
I’m tired of being on my own
I’ve been waiting all my life
I’ve been waiting for you to come
I’ve been traveling and wandering
Alone on my own for too long
I wish I could have met your brother
I would tell him how much I am in love
I swear I’ll ask him question after question
Confessions about you growing up
I thank God for blessing me
Well beyond I could have thought
And reminding me of how good life can be
When you let yourself fall into his love
Cuz I’ve been waiting all my life
I’ve been waiting for you to come

All my life, by Rosie Thomas

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